For the person who googled "elizabeth+foss +pick+up+ your+ socks," are you the same person who googled "elizabeth+foss'+ husband" last week? He does not pick up his socks with any regularity, but he does fold the dirty ones together before leaving them wherever. Children are a different story, however, and I think you might be looking for this article on obedience. I'll paste it here. Thanks for the reminder!
"Patrick,pick up your socks and put them in the hamper." "Why?" questions my seven–year-old as he kicks the socks across the room. "Because I’m the Mommy and I asked you
to," I reply firmly. "O-B-E-Y! Obey your mom and dad! O-B-E-Y it makes ‘em very
glad. Listen to the words they say. Obey your parents everyday!" My five-year-old
daughter is singing exuberantly, glad to help my cause.
There was a time when I would have explained that the socks need to be in the hamper in order for
them to get to the washer and dryer so that they would get clean and he could
wear them again. But I am quite certain Patrick knows and understands the laundry
system in our house. So, I get to the heart of the matter. His heart. So much
of child-rearing is character training and little children need to learn to obey.
They need to be trained to answer affirmatively to authority.
We require
obedience. We insist on obedience and we work day after day, every single day,
to ensure obedience. When we ask a child to do something, we are polite. But we
are firm. We embrace the fact that we are in authority over our children. God
put us there and our children need us there. We teach them truth. We teach them
that God’s laws are absolute and we require them to obey those absolute laws.
For a child, the first law is "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." The only
reason we need to give our children is: For this is right. God says so. We don’t
shrink from our authoritative role. Rather we see it as a gift.
One of
my favorite educators, Charlotte Mason, writes "Authority is not only a gift but
a grace … Authority is that aspect of love which parents present to their children;
parents know it is love, because to them it means continual self-denial, self-repression,
self-sacrifice: children recognize it as love, because to them it means quiet
rest and gaiety of heart. Perhaps the best aid to the maintenance of authority
in the home is for those in authority to ask themselves daily that question which
was presumptuously put to our Lord — ‘Who gave thee this authority?’"
Of course, God did. And by golly, we better be grateful good stewards of that
gift. Let’s unpack the quote a little. To train our children, we must deny ourselves.
We can’t administer occasional bursts of punishment and expect a good result.
We must instead be incessantly watchful, patiently forming and preserving good
habits. This means we are attentive and active. Those are habits to cultivate
in ourselves.
To rid ourselves of bad habits, Mason suggests we replace
them with virtuous ones. I know that in my house, my children misbehave a good
deal when I have been on the phone or in front of the computer too much. They
misbehave when routines slack off and meals are not given enough thought. They
misbehave when bedtime isn’t observed or they are overprogrammed and too busy.
They misbehave when I am inattentive or lazy or tired or inconsistent. Those are
bad habits. I must consciously replace them with attention and diligence and action
and consistent sleep.
Children recognize the Biblical living of our authority
as love because it is love. Children who consistently misbehave are begging for
moral guidance and a strong anchor. They are crying (or whining as the case may
be) for someone to be in authority. As they grow, the real tangible relationship
with the authority that is the parent flowers into full-blown relationship with
God and an eager willingness to obey Him as an adult.
The life of an
adult Christian is not easy. You can expect that as you train your children for
that life, there will be some unhappiness. But that unhappiness is nothing compared
to the quiet rest and joyful peace that comes with being right with God.
Since the first publication of these thoughts of mine on obedience, several parents
have asked how to make a child obey. First, we don’t want blind obedience; we
want the child to be inspired to obey because he believes it is right. We want
virtuous obedience. We want to train the habit of control, doing what is right
because it is right.
Children need to learn to focus on God’s
will, not their own and on a Spirit-inspired control, not a self-control. It is
easy to be controlled by oneself. It is hard to die to oneself and live for God.
The Holy Spirit will inspire, lead and give strength and wisdom to the
child who is taught to listen to the whispers of his God. This Spirit-inspired
control enables children to do work — to finish their chores, to be diligent
in their learning, to be reliable volunteers, to stick to a marriage even when
it is hard. They can do their duty. They can answer their call. They can control
their tempers, their anger. They can work a little harder. "I ought" is enabled
by "I will."
I do not agree with authors who think we need to spank
the will into submission. I do not agree with those who suggest that every desirable
behavior be correlated to star charts and complicated reward systems. I’m not
a big fan of "time-out." Usually, a child who is misbehaving needs more of his
parent’s attention. He doesn’t need to be sent away unless it’s for very short
moment where both child and parent cool off before meeting to discuss and remedy
the situation. And I do not agree with the experts who suggest we pinch our child
so hard that the "strong-willed child" becomes weak. We want strong-willed children.
That’s right: children who give in to their own whims and desires are actually
weak-willed. They need strength training.
Training children in right
habits strengthens their wills. Maturity is making right choices. We want our
children to have strong wills for doing what is right — strong wills for
doing God’s will. Crushing the will is not training the will. Training requires
a relationship between parent and child. It requires patience and persistence
on the part of both parent and child. When you train a child, you both grow in
virtue.
I am not asserting that corporal punishment is wrong. I am asserting
that it should not be necessary. Charlotte Mason writes of this eloquently:
Discipline
does not mean a birch-rod, nor a corner, nor a slipper, nor a bed, nor any such
last resort of the feeble. The sooner we cease to believe in merely penal suffering
as part of the divine plan, the sooner will a spasmodic resort to the birch-rod
die out in families. We do not say the rod is never useful; we do say it should
never be necessary. …Discipline is not punishment — What is discipline? Look at
the word; there is no hint of punishment in it. A disciple is a follower, and
discipline is the state of the follower, the learner, imitator. Mothers and fathers
do not well to forget that their children are by the very order of Nature, their
disciples. … He who would draw disciples does not trust to force; but to these
three things — to the attraction of his doctrine, to the persuasion of his
presentation, to the enthusiasm of his disciples; so the parent has teachings
of the perfect life which he knows how to present continually with winning force
until the children are quickened with such zeal for virtue and holiness as carries
them forward with leaps and bounds (Parents and Children, pg. 66).
We
don’t want self-controlled children. We want children who are controlled by the
inspiration of the Holy Spirit — children who hear and answer the Lord. We need
to give children choices within limits but we need to teach them how and why to
choose right. We need to train their hearts and educate their minds. When they
are fully informed of the consequences of their actions, we need to allow free
will, just as our heavenly Father does.
In order to train the child’s
will in this manner, parents must lay down their lives for them. They must be
willing to spend large amounts of time engaged with them. They must believe that
children are educated by their intimacies and they must ensure that the child
is intimate with what is good and noble and true. And when the child needs correction,
the parent must educate in the truest sense of the word. She must teach. Our children
are created in the image and likeness of God. If she looks at the child, sees
Christ in his eyes and disciplines accordingly, she will train her children well.
The theme for this week's Simply Lovely Fair is "Staying Connected." Sarah asks how we stay connected to our husbands amidst the busyness of everyday life. I bring my husband breakfast in bed every single day. This did not begin as an altruistic gesture or even a conscious effort at connection. My husband awakens hungry every morning and he tends to be a grumpy hungry person. One big, hungry, grumpy person mixed in with several small hungry grumpy people, cups of orange juice, the morning paper, a dog who needs to go out, and eggs on the stove and well, it wasn't pretty. So, I resolved to take the big guy out of the picture. I got the kids settled with breakfast one morning and took a pretty tray up to my hubby. I sat there in our bedroom and gave him my apparently undivided attention while he ate breakfast. (I was still listening for sounds of chaos from downstairs.) And then, I did it again the next morning and the next and the next. When the baby was born, that became time to nurse and chat. And when she grew old enough to be interested in food, she sat on his lap and ate from his plate. Now, this is her routine and when he's out of town, she won't eat breakfast. The three of us have some time alone together. Sometimes, we just delight in how dear she is. Other times, we discuss important things well over her head. Whatever the case, we connect.
I keep it fairly simple and the menu is usually the same: an English muffin, poached eggs, and a fruit smoothie. Occasionally, I add bacon or sausage. Every once in awhile, they enjoy leftover spaghetti carbonara or muffins from teatime the day before. But mostly, it's the same thing every day. I have the "making" routine down pat and everyone seems happy with the predictability. We begin our day together, in an oasis before the crush of craziness. Sometimes, other children wander in for a morning snuggle after they've eaten and increasingly, Karoline drifts away to play when she has had her fill of food. I remain (often stilling the small voice inside my head ticking off the items on my to-do list). And we begin the day together.
