Are You a Busybody?

I happened upon an article by Stacy McDonald that I thought so important as the new school year begins.  She points out how women, especially, are prone to being sucked into the pit of "busybody-ness."  And it's being a busybody that can be one of our greatest downfalls.  Women who have all the best Christian intentions, and even tell themselves they are practicing charity as they involve themselves in the lives of other people, are likely to be duped by the Evil One and ultimately distracted from their work at home.  It's a really fine line between charity and the sin of what ultimately becomes a foolish, idle, poor stewardship of time.  We need to be careful that we aren't so involved in the affairs of others--even when we think we're meeting an urgent need--that we neglect our duties at home.  As important as service is, we need to ensure the education of our children, both academically and spiritually, before we look outside our homes to "save the world."  We need to look well to the ways of our home, make sure our living spaces our pleasant and comfortable, our meals are cooked, our husbands have clean socks, before throwing ourselves into apostolic ventures (formal or informal) to the detriment of our own families and the peace that the Lord has asked us to safeguard at home.

One of the best ways Satan has to distract well-intentioned women from the primary apostolate of their families is to strew their paths with "needy people."  Needy people look like they just can't manage unless you drop everything and rescue them--you babysit on a moment's notice all the time; you bring meals; you rush to their aid leaving your own family to fend for themselves.  All because your own family doesn't look as needy to you as the "needy people."  (Or is it because the day-to-day faithful keeping at home doesn't provide quite the adrenaline rush or ego boost?) But if you continue being a busybody, the people at home will most certainly become needy.  A pattern of "apostolic neglect" in your own home will result in a academic lessons not even started, never mind finished, children who don't know the rhythm of an orderly day or week because "ordinary time" is always pre-empted by someone else's latest crisis.

I am not saying we should not serve.  We should serve--willingly and glady and with our whole hearts.  But we should not be so caught up in the drama of the needs of other people that we miss the very real needs of the people in our care.  Mrs. MacDonald calls it "idleness."  At first glance, it doesn't look like idleness.  Usually, busybodies are in perpetual motion and they will tell you just how busy they have been saving everyone else.  But it is idleness because our hands, and hearts, and minds are not at work doing what God really intends us to do:  care well for our own families.  And so, we tell ourselves we are teaching our children to serve but what we are really teaching them are false priorities and how to neglect our calling for something else. We are teaching them frantic motion instead of peaceful, orderly service and the quiet that is necessary to hear what God really wants us to do.

Mrs. Macdonald offers a self-check so we can be sure we're not "busybodies."

1. A busybody is more concerned with other people's matters than she is her own. You will notice that she knows everything about everyone. She has the "scoop" on just about anyone you mention. 1 Peter. 4:3
2. A busybody is disorderly. Her house will be disorganized. Housework will be overwhelming and children will most likely be out of control. (By the way, not everyone who doesn't have or hasn't been taught organizational skills is a busybody!) 2 Thessalonians. 3:11
3. A busybody does not do the work that God has called her to do. She either refuses to do what should be done or is too tired or overwhelmed to complete any one task properly. Either housework, requests from her husband, or family business tasks will not be tended to because she has been busy learning to be idle. [I would add here that schoolwork does not happen consistently.] 2 Thessalonians 3:11
4. A busybody learns to be idle. How do we "learn" a specific "skill?" Practice! A busybody will consistently ignore her God-given tasks and will in fact "learn" to be idle. You will notice that they seem to be constantly "busy" although nothing ever gets done! They seem to be frantic and tired most days, but if you check with their families, they have nothing to show for their busyness! 1 Timothy 5:13
5. A busybody goes from house to house "tattling." We can go from "house to house" in many ways these days! We have the telephone, fax machine, grocery store, homeschooling groups, playgroups, church, and the most dangerous - email!!!!

For the rest of the article visit her website.

Ladylike Reprise

There is an expanded column on Being Ladylike at Catholic Exchange today.  To recap here, I've talked about being a lady here and here. There is a lively discussion of modesty at the 4real Forums.Here's one on being modern and modest.  And there is one on combatting frumpiness (because ladylike modesty is NOT synonymous with frumpiness).  Helen reminds us that there is beauty in virtue. Kim gives some practical pointers for turning those denim pants into skirts. Mary Ellen Bork addresses feminity in her no-nonsense, eloquent style here. Rita Davidson offers a kit of resources on modesty in light of Church teaching .Colleen Hammond has written a book on Dressing with Dignity. Alice Von Hildebrand encourages women to escape a trap by imitating Mary's strength and humility.

Donna Marie initiated a conversation about ways our homes honor the Blessed Mother. We've discussed what it looks like to live in the Domestic Church, an idea that Thomas Howard fleshes out more completely in Splendor in the Ordinary.  And all that talking, and thinking, and cleaning, and re-organizing has led to a full-blown Carnival of Elegant Simplicity!

So, there you go!  Fix your morning tea, prop your feet up, and point and click and read up.  Then, you have a whole weekend to implement what you prayerfully discern God is asking with regards to feminity and loveliness!

"For Real" Friends

Someone recently told me that she didn't have time to blog or message board because she was too busy with her "In Real Life" friends.  She went on to say, somewhat disparagingly, that internet friendships were shallow and somehow false.

I disagree.  We got internet access almost ten years ago.  Since then, I've made friends who are truly precious.  They have seen me through some very trying times.  They've rejoiced with me in some very good times.  And, on rare occasions, they have hurt me like only someone real can hurt.

There are people out there in cyberland who know me very well--we've been writing back and forth for years and we've met in person and we talk on the phone.  And there are some people out there who know me better than I recognize. 

A couple of weeks ago, an internet friend asked if we'd chosen a baby name.  Then, she wrote back and told me she'd remembered it was a secret.  But she guessed anyway.  And since her guess was eerily accurate, I let her in on the secret.

A few days later, after a rousing diaper discussion on the 4Real boards, I had a diaper order ready to go.  And then my mom offered to buy the replacement liner and extensions I need for the co-sleeper. I found both sites, filled both carts and just couldn't press "buy." 

I'm readying the house, but I can't seem to bring myself to ready the baby things. I told my husband about it the other night, but he was the only person on the planet who knew that I can't bring myself to buy anything because I'm scared.  After a heartbreaking miscarriage and two years of infertility, I'm scared to believe this is really true--we're really going to bring home a baby.

At least I thought he was the only one who knew.  Silly me, in this world of connected Catholic moms, I should have known better.  Today, as I sat at the computer, looking again at the crib order, my son brought me a box.  It was a gift from Donna, who knows more than I can bear to contemplate about loss and hope.  In the box was a beautiful pink quilt, perfect for the bed I really do need to assemble.  And with the quilt was a note, encouraging me to revel in these last few weeks of joyful anticipation. It was the first time I've seen the baby's name in print.  She was one who'd guessed.  These friends--these women scattered across the whole wide world and joined in mission and in prayer--these friends are as real as friends get. Not only that, I really think that they are often instruments of the Holy Spirit, real answers to prayer.

A Lady Lives Here--Our Lady Lives Here

It must be that nesting urge, combined with all those rosaries, but my thoughts these days are turning evermore to hearth and home and how we can live here with the gentleness and grace of Our Blessed Mother. Donna Marie has posted such an inspiring look at Elegant Simplicity. And, in true traditional style, we’ve talked about it at 4Real. But still, my mind is a whirl.  Where I am from, homes look perfect. But it’s been far too long a road back from the misery of perfectionism. I know that’s not what Our Lady wants for me and I know that’s not what the home of a lady is. Homes where ladies live are homes where the words of John Paul II are taken to heart by the homemaker who lives there:

By taking Mary into his own home, John showed her his filial affection...John's action was the execution of Jesus' testaments in regard to Mary.  But it had symbolic value for each one of Christ's disciples, who are asked to make room for Mary in their lives, to take her into their own homes.  By virtue of these words of the dying Christ, every Christian life must offer a space to Mary and provide for her presence.

Certainly a devotion to Mary is obvious in home where she lives.  Carefully chosen statues and images are nicely displayed there.  Alice is so good at welcoming Mary with style that rises above the cheesy, sanctimonious religious arts and crafts.  If something is truly precious, it needs to look that way. Collections, whether they are polished rocks or religious icons, should never be clutter. Instead, if it matters enough to be invited into our homes, it should be treated and displayed like it matters. A cluttered, disheveled home is much like an unkempt, disheveled woman—certainly not the look of a lady.What is truly important is not the statue or the icon or any of the "stuff" at all, but the palpable presence of Our Lady and the way it is infused in the atmosphere.

However, homes of true ladies are not magazine-perfect, nor so clean that they are sterile.  Instead, they are inviting.  Beauty is not a buff, polished, dyed, surgically-corrected woman in clothes that could finance an Indian family for a year. Beauty is the acceptance of the body created perfectly for the soul He infused in it. It’s good stewardship and care of that temple.  It’s attention to detail but not obsession and vanity. It’s being ladylike:  with gentleness and grace that are a style of their own. And so it is at home.

Sights and smells and even sounds of those ladylike homes welcome the weary to stay and be comforted.  Whether it’s a simple vase of flowers on a dreary January day or freshly squeezed lemonade in the heat of July, the home cheers its inhabitants while not being wearisome or ostentatious.  It’s not about the show; it’s about ministering to souls with gentle, thoughtful, grace.  And the homemaker who lives there calls frequently upon the Blessed Mother for the grace she needs to see to the all the details with calmness and composure.

The ladylike homemaker goes about her daily round with one purpose:  to live as God wants her to live. It does no good if her house shines from top to bottom and her drapes coordinate perfectly with the upholstery and she has hand-glazed all her walls if she has done it all to impress her neighbor and she has been less-than-gracious to her children in getting it that way. We want to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect, not as the lady across the street is perfect.

So what does that mean for a house with seven children, a dog, a traveling husband and a baby on the way (which means a mom of limited mobility and energy)? To some degree, it means lower standards and higher goals. It means I can’t be on the phone the way I was yesterday morning--trying to talk, barking at my kids, and becoming increasingly frustrated with everybody’s imperfections (not to mention their lack of cleaning finesse). It means I need to take a deep breath and think about how I want our home to be when we welcome our baby. What’s really important?  Order? Yes. Beauty? Definitely.  Comfort?  Certainly.  Peace? Absolutely.  Perfection?  Only in God’s way, in God’s time.

For Regina Doman and Family

Please remember to pray for Regina Doman Schmiedecke and her family as you go about your daily round this week and in the weeks to come.  Regina has given us all so much that is good and beautiful with her books. Please offer your prayers as we mourn the loss of four-year-old Joshua. Information regarding the funeral and donations can be found on the prayer thread. Join us there to pray a novena for the Schmiedecke family.