Balancing Academics with the Rest of Life

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This is a question from 2007. It came from Kendra the Amazing of Preschoolers and Peace. She wanted me to do an online interview. I agreed and never got back to her. I'm really bad like that. I do apologize, Kendra, but I'd like to answer this particular question now, if I may.

How do you think moms can better maintain a balance between academic excellence and the nurturing of relationships with their children?  Are they mutually exclusive?

This has been very much on my mind in the past few weeks. When Patrick left suddenly for Florida, we had four days to prepare. Usually, I use high school to get my kids ready for school away from home in college. Academically, we do things like learning to write research papers, taking notes from a lecture, managing time, integrating book work with lecture work. They take classes at the community college and I'm right there at their elbows to ease them into it and teach as we go. And, usually, they have completed what I consider to be an academically rich curriculum before they leave. Also, I have learned that 13 to 14-year-old boys are very very hard to motivate. That school year is not so productive. After Michael, I learned not to freak out about it. They catch up when they figure out that they need it. No big deal.

Except when they figure out they need it four days before shipping off to what's supposed to be the "best school in Florida."

I can't tell you the sleep I missed worrying that our program was not going to fly under these conditions.

Our academic program has always been literature intensive. It's also delight-driven within limits. That is, my kids get choices about what to study within a certain parameter. Every once in awhile, I look at something known for its rigor (like The Well Trained Mind in its entirety or Tapestry of Grace or Robinson) and I think about how much I want that kind of excellence. I love school. I'm a total library person. I would have taken any one of those curricula as a child and absolutely loved it. But it doesn't suit my household.

Remember the priority thing? I'm one parent. There is another. He is brilliant. But he's not the bookish sort. He brings the rest of the world into our home. He orchestrates opportunities to pursue athletic excellence. He drives the late shift home from dance. He works late at night and so he likes to hang out and have a big pajama party on our bed in the morning, keeping everyone from the designated chores and school for the hour. He doesn't hesitate to whisk someone away on an airplane for some adventure, regardless of the lessons planned. And sometimes I {silently} question his wisdom.

I definitely worried about it when Patrick left. Hold that thought.

The other area of balance in our house is that of home management and child care. While, I definitely don't delegate it all out while I sit idly by, I definitely do enlist their help while I work alongside them. I don't think it can all get done any other way. While Patrick may have slacked about school when he was 14, he wasn't given the opportunity to give up kitchen duties and he wasn't allowed to be anything but kind to his younger siblings. His cooperation was to cruical to the family mission. He cooked. He cleaned. He gardened. He loved on babies and he might have even braided blond curls on occasion. Hold that thought.

I ordered Tapestry of Grace just before I left for Florida. Someone had been throwing up all week. Laundry and disinfecting were in high gear but academics were taking a backseat. In hindsight, I think the anxiety of going to Paddy's "perfect school" and meeting all his teachers and hearing how hard he was having to work to keep up made me grasp for the most intense, well laid out, well credentialed curriculum I could find. I wasn't going to get into the position ever again. When I got home, I was going to make sure we were all about reaching the maximum intellectual heights.

I found Patrick happy and well. Every coach, dorm supervisor, and trainer we talked to commented on how extraordinarily well he could handle the stuff of life. They told us how he is a leader among peers, a natural big brother type. When given three hour's notice before flying internationally, he can get his ducks in a row. His shirts are clean and his belts match his shoes. He knows where his equipment is and he knows how to get it all from Point A to Point B. He manages his money just fine; he gives himself and everyone else haircuts; he organized the bus to Church (and routinely brings a bunch of non-Catholics with him). He's homesick and it's obvious, but he has set about making the most of the real life opportunities in front of him.

Then we went to the school. Every single teacher sought us out to comment on how beautifully he's doing. I looked at the curriculum and saw holes all over the place (much to my chagrin). It's a beautiful building and they are good, well meaning people doing the best they can with a really odd situation. If he were home, frankly, it would be a better designed, better tailored program. But he's not home.

And he left home well prepared in the important places.

He knows where home is and he knows he's supported.

So, all the rowdy mornings, all those "daddy trips," all the baby love, the cooking and laundry--all of it has mattered just as much as academics. We had those things covered so well that it didn't matter that he had four days to prepare to leave.

And the academics? Apparently they were good enough to succeed. His geometry teacher wishes he were better at timed tests. I guess they can work on that.

I came home to that rigorous curriculum. I tried my level best to make it work. It doesn't in my house. The housekeeping suffered as I spent hours with my head in the Teacher's Manual and my kids spent too much time at the table. I used way too much ink printing worksheets. I was a crazed taskmaster, trying desperately to keep even one child from falling behind, since we're all supposed to be in the same place. It wasn't pretty. My first hint that it wasn't going to work was when I couldn't fit it into the CM Organizer. The one created by Simply Charlotte Mason? This new plan was anything but simple. Sure, it came with instructions to winnow to fit, but by the time I read it all to know where I wanted to winnow and then winnowed some more to make it appropriate for Catholic children, then added the stories of the heroes of the Church, it was all too complicated for me.

Serendipity works in my house. It's books that inspire us; it's relationships between the people reading the books and the people in the books. There is an emphasis on writing--my children seem to write before they walk. Baskets of books, art supplies in abundance, time to think and to write.  It's who we are. Yes, if there is a lack of balance, it's because we lean towards relationships. The academics happen and they flourish in an atsmosphere of relationships. Maybe that atmosphere makes up for what might be lacking in intellectual rigor. I'm good with that. I really am.

About Homemaking

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I'm still working my way through very old mail. There is a recurrent theme there, one of questions about homemaking routines and chores and such. Perhaps I can answer several of those at once.

When I set about to be intentional about keeping my home clean and orderly, I began by defining for myself what constituted clean and orderly. I put myself in the shoes of an eight- or ten-year-old child and made a detailed list of what "job well done" looked like in every room. I did this when my first child was about ten. Those lists have undergone some changes over the years. We've moved and rooms have been repurposed and there was that year when I was using all those vinegar cleaners. After we learned that we were breeding fruit flies in all our drains because they just love vinegar, all the "wet" directions were completely overhauled. Still, the work and the thought of all those years ago stands me in good stead today.

My house is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. My friend Linda loves to remind me that it's never a day away from company ready, though. What she means is that we do live in it and on most days there is evidence of such life, but if I had to, I could stop on any given morning and have it ready for company by day's end. That means that if I have a sense on any day that Mike is having a bad day and that coming home to a house that looks like it's ready for company would be a blessing, I can do that (given enough notice). That's my measure of acceptable.

So, what do the lists look like? The first drafts were just ordinary Word documents. The latest version reflects Mary Beth under the influence of Katherine. They're very pretty. I'm not sure how much use the PDFs will be, because every home and family is different in the details, but here they are. 

Download Chores1(2)

Download Acleankitchen

Download Basement

Download Livingroom and Diningroom

Download Mudroom,office,foyer,bathroom,stairs

I keep a copy of each of them in my master notebook. Then, I post one in every room. The bathroom list is inside the cabinets in the bathroom. The kitchen list is on the fridge. The bedroom lists are inside the bedroom doors. The mudroom/office/foyer/bathroom one is in the office that is sort of central to that whole area. They aren't really for public perusal, but the child sent to clean a room knows where to look to be certain that his idea of clean and my idea of clean are one in the same.

Finally, there is a chart of chore assignments. It's pretty simple, or it was before Paddy left. We still struggle for manpower at the top. Truth be told, I'm mostly absorbing his jobs. Michael will return home for a season or so after graduation in December. Patrick will be home after the World Cup in June. I haven't made a new chore chart for this fall. There's probably some deep psychological issue at play here;-), but I've noticed that Mary Beth, happy-maker-of-charts, hasn't hastened to do it either. Something about deleting someone from the rhythm of family life that makes it seem so permanent. Whatever. Your family looks different than mine anyway, so you won't care if Patrick's on the chart or not, right?

Chorelist

Comments are open, because I'll never get to the mail:-)

October Daybook

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Outside My Window

The sun is rising. But will it be setting before I cobble together enough time to finish this daybook?

 

I am Listening to

Laundry noises from the first loads of the day.

 

I am Wearing

Skimmer shorts and a pink and white striped shirt. It’s going to be hot today.

 

I am so Grateful for

The clarity of God’s answers.

 

I'm Pondering

Let nothing affright thee,
Nothing dismay thee.
All is passing,
God ever remains.
Patience obtains all.
Whoever possesses God
Cannot lack anything
God alone suffices.

~St. Teresa of Avila

 

I am Reading

Church Fathers and Teachers. This is the volume that fits nicely with our Middle Ages Studies.

 

I am Thinking

That there are only four days left until Paddy comes home for a couple days! And if that ever happens to slip my mind, Karoline reminds me.

 

I am Creating

A clean room where Patrick left a messy room. No one wants to come home to a messy room.

 

On my iPod

The Last Viking. We listened to this on the way to and from soccer last week and the boys didin’t want to get out of the car until the end. Very well done and Stephen is quite taken with St. Magnus. Since Mike is a "perfect" blend of Norwegian and Scottish, this seems a quite appropriate saint to add to our family favorites. .

 

Towards a Real Education

This week, we explore Byzantium and the Eastern Orthodox Church. We’ll try our hand at iconography. Our scientific studies have us birdwatching. We begun our studies of Latin (yet again); this time we’re teaming up with the family across the street. The kids had a blast chanting together last week.

And I suspect we’ll spend the end of the week helping Paddy get caught up. He’s missing this week of school as he hangs out in Seattle and plays some soccer.

Sigh. It’s beautiful outside. I don’t know if I can stay inside on task all week. Our nature mornings could be a little longer, I think.

 

Towards Rhythm and Beauty

I wrote a big, long post last week about how graciously St. Anne has heard my pleas and interceded for my benefit where rhythm is concerned. Upon further thought, I decided to hold it until the end of soccer season since it probably gives too many details about where we are and when my house stands empty. So, for now, I’m just really grateful for a rhythm of blessing I could never have imagined and I am very certain St. orchestrated it.

 

To Live the Liturgy

We celebrate St.Teresa of Avila, one of my favorites.

 

I am Hoping and Praying

For God’s mercy and grace to be very evident to some dear firends.

In the Garden

What a mess! All the rain has given the weeds quite a boost. We need to get out there and do some bigtime work!

Around the House

Have I mentioned how badly I want to paint?

 

From the Kitchen 

Awaiting a list from Patrick of all the things he wants to cook and eat while he’s home.

 

One of My Favorite Things

The smell of autumn. Evergreen Mills Road as the leaves start to turn. White’s Ferry in the early morning on Columbus Day Weekend. An afternoon at Cox Farms (after all the preschool groups have left). Sipping Toffee Mocha at a very early morning soccer game. The “old” section of South Riding as turns crimson and gold. The walk to the first Mass on Sunday when there is a definite nip in the air. I’m not cheating; it all adds up…

 

ONE of my favorite things: Loudoun County, Virginia in October. Wouldn’t miss it for the world (OK, that’s not exactly true; I missed the whole month two years ago on bedrest with Sarah Annie. The tree outside my window was just lovely though.)

 

Sarah Annie this week

I have a sure sense that two weeks remain where there is a baby in this house.

 

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week

Things will be pretty quiet from here until the weekend. Michael has a game tomorrow night. I think Christian has one Thursday, but that looks like a rain day, so I’m not sure what that will mean. The weekend will be full and happy!

Picture thoughts:

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I missed posting my “This Moment” last week. This is Karoline’s “perfect” birthday cake. It was so her! Funny thing is she was very particular in every detail and then she didn’t even eat a bite. She told us she only liked decorating and blowing out the candles.