You light up my days...and fill my nights with song...

April 1, 2007

Dear Papa,

I had planned to write a long column this weekend, in time for tomorrow. But the baby was sick and my hands were full ,so all the writing I did was in my head.  I planned to write about that sobbing prayer two years ago, when I begged you to intercede for me. And then I'd write about all the little miracles strewn like roses in the days and weeks and months that followed.

Instead, I stayed up all night, dancing with my daughter.  She was feeling poorly and whimpering to be held. I gathered her up out of my bed and swayed with her in the darkness. For hours.  I sang my full repertoire of musicals.  I moved on to old Raffi tunes. I added a little Glory and Praise. And then, I switched to "You Light up my Life."  Her tears ceased and mine fell freely. I settled into the big chair, her head heavy against my chest and I remembered.

I remembered a time two years ago that was dark and sad. I was struggling with depression and so was Mike. Together, we were fumbling in confusion. Recovery from childbirth had been difficult. Recovery from a miscarriage more difficult. A year of infertility following that miscarriage was a year of pain like none I'd ever known. No light. Only darkness.  And on that Friday night, I held an eerie vigil in front of the muted television.

Please God, I don't know what I'll do without my Papa. And yet I know, I know that he is yours; he always was. Morning dawned and the day moved forward and then you were gone. And as naturally as the sobs escaped my throat, my soul begged your intercession. Tell Him, Papa! Please tell Him how sad I am, how much I want a baby, how much Mike needs him. Tell Him, Papa--I know you can.

And you did. Within an hour of that prayer, the answers began to become so clear.  You led us to a different parish. You put people in my path who would insist that I get to know the Little Flower you loved so well, the dear Saint you called a Doctor and by whom you trusted that the fullness of faith could be taught. She and you taught me about Love--Love incarnate, a good and gentle God who understood my pain and stooped to bind my wounds. I re-read all your letters to me. I read her words. Light dawned, love flickered.

Looking back, I should not be surprised that in the months following your death, I pushed by forces greater than me to travel. You were never afraid to travel. I had not been on an airplane in fifteen years. But I flew three times that year. The first time, I went Chicago and visited the shrine of St. Therese and left my petitions there. The last time, I went to Florida at my husband's insistence. We were there for an art gallery opening but we took a day trip to St. Augustine and the Shrine of Our Lady of La Leche.  I had a long talk with Our Lady that day. She already knew.I'm sure you told her.

One night, nine months after you died, my husband lit a candle in a church where you once celebrated Mass, in the presence of your relics. And then, our wait for a baby was over and yet it had begun. For nine more months, I was still, love growing inside of me.  I learned to love your favorite prayer and I prayed the rosary with St. Therese, sometimes twenty decades a day, including the five new decades that were your gift to me. All the time, I was almost afraid to believe, almost afraid to think that the light had returned and darkness was dispelled.

  Then she was here.  A glorious, beautiful, darling little girl. We call her Karoline Rose. She is a shower of roses, a basket of blessings. She is sweetness and she is light.  As she grows, I will tell her.  I will tell her about her Papa. She will know you and she will be grateful to share your name.

But now, she calls again. Enough remembering. I am living in the present, embracing every moment. I know you're here. I know you see her dear, dimpled chin. I know you watch me kiss her fat little cheeks and I know you smile.

Thank you!

Spring Cleaning Day 2 (or is it Day 3)?

Let's go back a minute to what really inspired this cleaning binge.  Perhaps the seeds were planted here, when I stood, eyes downcast, in front of the Large Family Logistics lady. I'm sure she had something to with it.

Then there were several long conversations with my friend Molly. Molly's house is bright and cheery and sun-filled and CLEAN! She is an inspiration to greater things.

Or maybe, long-lost Martha Stewart aspirations breathed a new breath. Well, I did print this one, but mostly because I thought it would look pretty in my Home Companion book. I don't really imagine doing all the things she says I must (probably because I still have a fair sense of adolescent Martha rebellion about me;-)

There are many spring cleaning checklist out there. This one is not going to be printed: there are links upon links upon links. Cleaning to the max.

Here is an interactive guide from Good Housekeeping for some virtual hand-holding. The folks at GH tell me

Congratulations! You are a member of the Take No Prisoners Housekeeping Club.

You regard housecleaning as war. You scrub the kitchen floor every night, park Dust Busters in every room, and change bath towels twice a day.

Time required to complete all of your kitchen, bathroom, and general spring-cleaning tasks: eight days.

I'm not sure if I see it as war; I much prefer the Fly Lady's image of a house blessing. But it's good to know it will take me eight days. I'd hate to have some kind of illusion about finishing in an afternoon. The frightening thing is that the quiz didn't ask me about number of children or dogs or mud puddles in the backyard. Can't help but think that makes a difference (and not a good one where time spent cleaning is concerned).

Really,the ultimate inspiration was a visit to Kimberlee's blog and the news of her new house. She wrote

I’ll never forget waking up that first morning in our new house. The sun was streaming in our bedroom windows, gleaming on the hardwood floors, Michael bringing me my fresh hot tea as always, Mozart wafting through the whole house via the Nutone. I asked Mary Rose how she liked sleeping in a real bed. “It feels like I’m in a hotel,” she sweetly replied. I know how you feel, dear.

I read that and I remembered.  I remembered how our acquisition of this house was very much like how she got her new house.  One very determined, optimistic dad who just  knew this was the right house for his growing family, pushed forward against all odds until we were all moved in. And I remembered how awestruck I was just to wake up in this house--this house that was more than I ever imagined.

That was from where the spring cleaning resolve came. I want to reclaim the splendor of this house.  I want to thank my husband again for our home and to inspire in my children a deep and abiding appreciation for the gift that is our house. Finally, I want my husband to know--this spring and every day thereafter--that he's coming home to that castle he envisioned for his family.

The Beatrice Brigade

Don't miss this essay on women who choose to educate their children at home and how the West will be won! It's gratifying and inspiring and insightful.

HT Jennifer.

Spring Cleaning!

I've always loved the idea of cleaning on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of Holy Week so that the house is fresh and lovely for Easter. And, I've always been utterly overwhelmed by the idea as well.  It's never really worked to do the other things I want to do during Holy Week and to do my spring cleaning. I'm not sure why: my house is too big or too messy; my children aren't cooperative enough; my dog sheds too much? Whatever, it just never happens the way it reads in guides to the liturgical year. So, this year, I started early. I started yesterday. We did lots of de-cluttering. Today, we were ready to deep clean.

First, we noted that our crown of thorns was still pretty full.  I told the children that for every task done well and without complaining, we would remove a thorn.

Then, we borrowed a vacuum.  We borrowed an animal--a Dyson of incomparable strength. This vacuum makes me sing (literally)!  And my kids were pretty psyched about it too.

My mother always bought new cleaning products to motivate me to clean.  The promise of a smell is pretty enticing for me.  Mrs. Meyers even gives spring cleaning tips with her great smelling products.

Among some other tips, there on the box, Mrs. Meyers herself said that no one was to go out to play without completing the chores.  Better that she should say it than I:-). Spray bottles that sing of honeysuckle and scrubbing powder that hums lavender--we were good to go!

Here's what we accomplished today:

• Moved the refrigerator out from the wall and washed the floor and the sides of the fridge. Cleaned coils, washed the top of the fridge.  Cleaned the refrigerator and freezer inside and out.
• Moved the stove out from the wall and did like with the fridge.  Clean the stove top and the oven.
• Washed the microwave inside and out.
• Wiped all countertops.
• Wiped all appliances.
• Wiped and polished kitchen cabinets.
• Dusted and wiped the tops of kitchen cabinets.
• Cleaned behind the washer and dryer (Stephen fit down in there).
• Washed the mudroom floor.

Washed the tops of the washer and dryer.

Vacuum inside and on all the upholstered furniture.

Washed the mantle cloth and all the table runners.

• Washed all the knickknacks and picture frames in the living room and dining room.
• Vacuumed all the vents.
• Vacuumed basebaords in living room, dining room, family room, kitchen, and foyer.
• Vacuumed front stairs, back stairs, basement stairs.
• Cleaned all the wooden furniture and then rubbed it with wood cream.
• Thoroughly cleaned four bathrooms.
• Vaccumed all the bedrooms, including baseboards.
• Vacuumed learning room.
• Washed, folded and put away three loads of laundry.
• Washed kitchen, foyer and sunroom floors.
• Washed all the first floor windows.

Whew! Now, to get to that "official" cleaning next week;-)

Don't Forget!

We will celebrate all that is good and holy about John Paul the Great on Monday at the Just Another Day of Catholic Pondering.  Get your entries to Sarah as soon as you can!