{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words -
capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary
moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're
inspired to do the same, visit Soulemama to leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.(Okay, so I have two moments...same evening with the Mitchells, though)
Elaine Cook wrote to me last week several weeks ago. I asked if I could share our correspondence with you. She has graciously agreed. She wrote, quoting me:
"There is no wound so painful, no hurt so raw as a mother's heart just after she sends her firstborn to college."
I know that's true because I'm experiencing it now. Anything more you can offer to help us overcome this challenge in faith, please do. I (and some of my friends) are struggling with our perceived failures as mothers, with concern that we haven't prepared our children enough or well enough and with sadness that this phase of our mothering is over.
Tell us how you have overcome those feelings (if you had them), please. I want to be happy for my son and encouraging, but I will miss him so much. I am happy I still have my daughter at home, but those little kid years are over and I'm not ready for them to end.
Yet another reason to have a big family?
Honestly, I think this is one of those "If I knew what I was doing, I'd being doing it right now" moments. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm holding on by the grace of God and learning as I go. Let's look at each of her thoughts.
First, is this a challenge in faith? Yep, I think it can be. I think that intentional, faithful mothers can get to this stage and be astonished that a loving Father would allow it to hurt so much. It's as if the more you loved and the more you cared, the more you get hurt. There are mothers doing a happy dance when their kids get on the bus to kindergarten and there are mothers who can't wait to shove their teens out the door and redecorate their bedrooms as exercise rooms. I don't really understand them. And there have been moments when I've envied them. At least they don't hurt. If we get stuck there, it's a crisis in faith.
If we see how much it hurt the Blessed Mother to lose Jesus and then to find Him in the temple, we can see that God is in this whole thing. He wonders at her dismay. Didn't she know that He was going to leave her, to talk among the learned, to go out into the world. Of course she did. And still, it hurt.
Now, what about the failures and the worries that we didn't do enough, care enough, listen enough, train enough...anything and everything enough? Some of those are legitimate, I think. None of us will look back without regret. None of us can say we did everything just perfectly. I think we can express those regrets--to ourselves, to our spouses, maybe to our children, and definitely to God. We can bring it to the throne of mercy and leave it there. Those of us with younger children can gratefully embrace the opportunity to do it better the next time. We pray we won't make those mistakes again. (Chances are, we'll find new ones to make:-).
If we get stuck in the regret, we will be tormented by both anxiety and depression. I know. I was in that particular stuck place. It wasn't pretty and it didn't do me or my family any good. We can't have a do-over. All we have is a do-now.And now, we have the circumstances at hand. What lessons He is teaching me in my year of Now! How could I have ever imagined how necessary Now would be when this year began? We spend a moment (okay a day, a week, or two) crying over the loss, but then we have to embrace the season we are in, lest we begin to sow new seeds which will grow into weeds of regret. We have the now. We have to live it as the gift it is.
I do look differently at the children who remain at home. I know where this season of mothering goes, where it ends. I know it's going to hurt like heck. And still, by the grace of God, I throw my self into loving them with reckless abandon. If anything, I am more mindful of investing every moment of intentional love into these relationships. This is the life for which I was created. The life of love.
Elaine wrote to me three weeks ago, as Patrick was leaving. I had just read an offhand remark a friend made on Facebook about how it was easier to let her second child go. That was not the experience I was living. Perhaps it was Paddy's age. Perhaps it was the distance. Perhaps it was the schedule and the controls which make daily contact brief and fleeting. Or maybe it was because I'd been through it before and I knew how irrevocably a relationship with a child changes when they leave home and I don't much like the change [yet? It's still a work in progress, no?]. Whatever the case, the second time was more difficult. And I looked at Elaine's question and wondered how I could hurt like this seven more times.
It's been three weeks. And right now, all I am allowing myself to see is the Now. And in the now, I still have children to cuddle, favorite books to revisit and late night teenage talks. I'm not ready for my days with wee ones to end yet, either, and by the grace of God, they don't have to. Now. It's a full, rich life in a well populated nest. I can't borrow pain from the future. I know better. And in the now, there are two boys making their ways in the world. They bring new light and dimension to our family's tapestry. They weave their stories uniquely into this year's length of fabric. To wish it any other way is to wish away those experiences. And they are good, just as they are different.
I am assured by a small handful of mothers who travel before me on this journey that the next season of life is a great and glorious one. I choose to believe them. I want to believe them. Some mothers don't understand your pain, Elaine. They did a little jig when the nest was empty. Some people don't understand how anyone could even contemplate having more than two children. Those people aren't me. And in my trying to understand this experience, I wonder sometimes at how little is said or written about it. And then, I don't wonder at all. For all its universality, it is a very unique and personal experience, one that is different for the same mother even, with each child.
And that brings me to my final thought. Like no other experience in my life (even cancer), the experience of letting my children go has been one of profound prayer. Of course, I am praying for them. But I am also very aware that no one in the world knows exactly how I feel. It's just me and God. I try to steep my soul in the psalms, to pray the Hours with full faith and confidence in the prayers of the ages, to beg His mercy with every breath. And to think that this is all part of what was meant when the Word spoke that women would be saved in childbearing. We birth them; we nurture them; and we bear them into the world to go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
I haven't had much time to blog lately, and I do miss these pages and the chance to let my fingers collect my thoughts. As I settle into our fall routine, I'm hoping to have more moments at the keyboard. I did find myself sharing a cuppa with some fine ladies last week, though, chatting, not writing.
Danielle and I had the opportunity to sit and talk with Lisa Hendey for a Catholic Moments podcast. We shared thoughts on balancing a writer's work with family life and we talked about how tthe books encourage and enhance a closer relationship with Christ amidst the busyness of mom life.
With Pat Gohn, Among Women, we had a long talk about Small Steps, the writing process, and particularly about diligence--developing the virtue in ourselves and our children. We laughed a bit and yep, I even cried (a podcast first for me). It was so nice to spend the morning among women, in the company of friends. Please listen. I hope you're blessed!
“Pray, hope, and don’t worry! Worry is useless. God is merciful and
will hear your prayer. Prayer is the best weapon we have; it is the key
to God’s heart. You must speak to Jesus not only with your lips but
with your heart. In fact, on certain occasions, you should speak to Him
only with your heart.”--St. Pio
Padre Pio is one of those saints who found me when I was pregnant with Sarah Anne. Someone suggested to me that I beg his intercession for Sarah's safe delivery and mine. When I started looking for a "Padre Pio" novena to pray before his late September feast, I learned that he prayed the Sacred Heart novena daily for the intentions of all who asked his prayers. So, I began that devotion nine days before his feast.
On the Feast of St. Pio, I hemorrhaged, and ended up in the hospital on total bedrest, anti-contraction medications being pumped furiously into my body. By baby was 28 weeks in utero. Needless to say, Padre Pio and I were off to a bit of a rocky start. But I had several novenas going simultaneously at the time and I truly did have a sense of peace that this was all part of the grand plan. The NICU nurse practitioner who ultimately ended up caring for Sarah said that she was sure I was going to deliver that night. I never thought it a remote possibility.
September 23rd, the feast of Padre Pio, is also the day that the Saint Therese novena begins. For me, that's a beautiful connection.
We'll pray the Sacred Heart novena in preparation for the feast.
Padre Pio was a Capuchin, a whimsical reason we include cappuccino in our tea time treats. Usually, I blend some bottled Frappucino with ice and serve with straws or I mix ice and instant espresso and milk in the blender. And "cappuccino" cookies make a nice accompaniment.
Efficacious Novena to the Sacred Heart
O my Jesus,
You have said, ‘Truly I say to you, ask and it will be given you, seek and you
will find, knock and it will be opened to you.’ Behold, I knock, I seek and ask
for the grace of... Our Father... Hail Mary... Glory be to the Father... Sacred
Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.
II. O my Jesus, You have said,
‘Truly I say to you, if you ask anything of the Father in my name, He will give
it to you.’ Behold, in Your name, I ask the Father for the grace of... Our
Father... Hail Mary... Glory be to the Father... Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place
all my trust in you.
III. O my Jesus, You have said, ‘Truly I say to you,
heaven and earth will pass away but my words will not pass away.’ Encouraged by
Your infallible words, I now ask for the grace of... Our Father... Hail Mary...
Glory be to the Father... Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.
O
Sacred Heart of Jesus, for whom it is impossible not to have compassion on the
afflicted, have pity on us poor sinners and grant us the grace which we ask of
You, through the Sorrowful and Immaculate heart of Mary, Your tender mother and
ours.
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send up our
sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley, of tears.Turn, then, most gracious
advocate,thine eyes of mercy toward us; and after this our exile show unto us
the blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus; O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.
Pray for us, O holy Mother of God That we may be made worthy of the promises of
Christ.
St. Joseph, foster father of Jesus, pray for us
Icon available at Bridge Building Images.
Outside My Window
It is still dark.
I am Listening to
The hum of the refrigerator and nothing else.
I am Wearing
A t-shirt and boxers—pjs;-).
I am so Grateful for
~a daughter who conspires to celebrate the day her family began (Thanks, Mary Beth, for anniversary sweetness;-)
~starting the week in a fairly tidy house
~soccer moms (and soccer dads, too)
~come to think of it, soccer siblings, too
~regular updates from Patrick in Spain
~the gifted educators who have published excellent curricular material that has blessed our new school year
~homemade miso soup
~grocery store carnations
~lunch date on a Sunday
I'm Pondering
Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants. ~Michael Pollan
I am Reading.
I just finished a pre-publication copy of a very good parenting book.
And
Food Rules by Michael Pollan
I am Thinking
About the coming weekend.I’m so looking forward to having company here.
I am Creating
A new ‘do. Well, I’m not really creating it, but I do desperately need a haircut and I’m considering asking for something different. Appointment this morning. We’ll see.
On my iPod
Mossflower. We finished Redwall over a week ago and spent some time talking about whether we’d listen to another or the boys would be on their own to binge through the series. As a compromise, we’re going to listen to the prequel and they’re going to read the sequel. This audio version is so well done. The author narrates in a rich, deep, lovely accent. It’s a full cast audio that does truly bring these books to life.
Towards a Real Education
I can say with all sincerity that we are off to our best start ever.I’m rocking the Charlotte Mason Organizer to its fullest potential. The children seem to understand that if we’re going to keep up the pace of soccer and ballet that they want, we have to use those morning hours to their fullest. They are working hard and genuinely seem to like that resources I’ve chosen for them.
I’m happy to report that each and every one of my children spent a full hour or more working on math every day last week (even Labor Day—and we had a soccer tournament final that day). I attribute this astounding fact to the warm embrace our family has given to Dreambox and Aleks. They love it. They are definitely learning something. I am not a math teacher. I am grateful for a computer that is. Hooray!
Towards Rhythm and Beauty
I have stressed and stressed over The Schedule. I have lost countless hours of sleep trying to make it all work, to figure out how to be at one opportunity east of me, one west of me, and another north of me at the same time, in order to meet the needs (and wants) of different children. And then something amazing happened. I handed it all over to God and watched in awe as He worked it out in ways I could have never imagined. I started to write about it here, but it’s gotten too long, so I’ll save it for a post of its own. Hopefully soon.
To Live the Liturgy
It’s nearly time to begin our preparations for feasts of the fall.
I am Hoping and Praying
~for Patrick, who is in Spain this week. He plays the Spanish U17 national team tomorrow and Thursday.
~for the traveler who will come to stay with us this weekend. I pray her time here is everything she hopes it will be. And then more.
.
In the Garden
The mums are starting to pop. The petunias look a little beaten up after some serious wind last week, but I’m going to leave them in a while longer, yet. Tomatoes are looking a bit bedraggled. Roses are beautiful.
Around the House
I still haven’t created a new chore chart. I’m using the “see a need, call the first person who comes to mind” method.Mary Beth and I thoroughly organized the little girls’ room last week. That’s probably a post in itself, too…
From the Kitchen
I’ve temporarily abandoned my cycle menu while we experiment with some new recipes. This week, we’re eating
Sunday: chili (with sweet potatoes added-it was yummy)
Monday: chicken and white bean salad
Tuesday: Maple Dijon pork chops, Caesar salad, roasted broccoli
Wednesday: Chilled Linguine with Gorgonzola and Basil
Thursday: sandwiches to go—we’re eating at the park.
Friday: Cowboy beans and cilantro lime rice
Saturday: grilled sandwiches before Michael’s game
Almost all from the Whole Foods Market Cookbook
One of My Favorite Things
Happy Anniversaries.
Sarah Annie this week
After nearly two years of living in our room, she has discovered “her room.” She could easily spend several hours a day playing with the dollhouse in there. And she prefers to sleep in “her” bed, too, much to her daddy’s chagrin. It’s sweet to see her moving into the territory of her sisters and to see them envelope her in their world.
Gonna miss her, though.
Gosh, there’s a lot of missing going on around here, isn’t there?
A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week
Hmmm: haircut; ballet planning meeting with dear friends, the kickoff game of Monday Afternoon Football season, two playdates in the park, much soccer, ballet, and the hum of busy excitement as we prepare for Saturday’s trip to the airport to meet our guest.
Picture thoughts:
My anniversary lunch: a Sweetheart Roll at our favorite sushi bar. Isn't it beautiful? (Cell phone photo)
I'm Elizabeth. I'm a happy wife and the mother of nine children. I grab grace with both hands and write to encourage myself and others to seize and nurture the joy of every day. I blog here with my daughter, Mary Beth, a wholehearted young lady on the brink of adulthood.
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