The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Make time for Solitude

It is a fond memory, still. Once a week, when the three big boys were little, Mike took them, a grocery list, and his father and did the weekly grocery shopping. On the way home, they stopped and played at Grandma's. I had about three hours alone in the house. I played Amy Grant as loud as it would go and cleaned our house from top to bottom. I ran up and down the steps without stopping to carry the baby with me or hop the gate. I moved freely about the kitchen without someone wrapped around my knees. I ordered my environment and made everything smell good. And I was completely alone.

When we moved from that house, Mike took ridiculously demanding job. He was never home. I had four children (and then five, and then six) and no one but my father-in-law ever offered to help with them. He's a wonderful guy; he doesn't really do babies, though. Solitude became a thing of the past for a very long time. A very, very long time. Come to think of it, I can't remember tever being alone in that house and I don't remember the last time I was alone in this house. Or anywhere else.

I have stolen early morning moments when everyone is still sleeping, if I'm quiet enough and careful enough not to wake anyone. They anchor my days and I'm rattled without them. I use them to read, to pray, to knit, and less and less, to write. If I'm writing to share, somehow that just doesn't seem like solitude.

Meg Meeker wonders how to balance solitude with the chapter on friends. I don't find that is a challenge. Actually, making time for friends and making time for solitude are two sides of the same coin. The demands here in this home are what require a concerted effort for both. My guess is that Dr. Meeker didn't have moms of many in mind so much when she wrote. I always find it interesting when people say, "Oh, what's one more? You have so many you probably don't even notice." They used to say this when a new baby was on the way. Or they say it when they drop their kids off to play with mine. 

One more is one more. One more whole person. One person with a unique personality. One person with uniques talents and challenges. One person with his own laundry. One person who needs to be fed and who needs to brush his teeth and get regular checkups and sign up for baseball and talk to the coach and finish his science assignment. It's one more of everything. Multiplied by the number that mother's particular "many" is.

I'm not complaining. I'm merely explaining how the solitude thing and the friend thing are unqieuly challenging when a mother has lots of children under her care. Nevertheless, let's persevere. Dr. Meeker suggests  four ways to work on making time for solitude: "start with bite-sized moments, find a place for solitude (and let everyone know), quiet your mind (yes, you can), and go deeper."

#1 Start with bite-sized moments. I think these are my early mornings. Sometimes, I get a whole hour or more. I sit and read and knit knit and pray and have a cup of tea. The sun comes up and the whole day seems to sparkle in front of me.  More often, I get twenty minutes before someone is aware that I'm awake and alone and they zero in to get a piece of that action. She suggests things such as going to the grocery store alone. Eh. I'm not sure that counts in my book. If I go to the grocery store, I'm not genuinely alone. There are people there. I once went to the grocery store alone and hit a parked car in the parking lot. Not exactly alone time, there. But if we look carefully at how we spend our days and enlist the help of our husbands to find a pocket or two, there is alone time to be had even for mothers of very young children or mothers of very many children.

#2 Create a place. Susanna Wesley threw her apron over her head when she wanted to be alone with God. I so get that. My eldest child, who is living at home and saving money while working full time, sits in the car when he needs to escape the activity here. Come to think of it, my second child does that, too. They didn't get that from me. I'm not a big fan of the car, ever. I'm currently working on taking over the first-floor study in our house. When the children are awake, I have no illusions of it being my space alone, nor would I want it that way. But when they are asleep, it's a good place to go to be alone in a space that ministers to me. A prayer corner is the perfect place to spend time alone. Can you claim the corner of a walk in closet, a nook in the basement, or even just declare your bathtub off limits at certain hours of the day?

#3 "When you are alone, the next challenge is to break the habit of thinking about all of the things that you should be doing rather than quieting yourself. This is a tough one. Shutting your mind off can be done, but it takes training. Reject silly worries and give yourself permission to worry about other things later, like in thirty minutes, but not during your solitude." This is why I don't think time at the grocery store counts. I do not quiet my mind there, even if I'm there by myself. However, three hours alone in my house while all my kids are at the store with my husband--that's quality alone time, even if I'm cleaning the whole time. Sometimes, uninterrupted, purposeful physical activity helps to quiet one's mind. And starting the next day with a fully stocked fridge and pantry and completely clean house is a great benefit of quiet time.

#4 Go deeper. Are you uncomfortable when you are alone with yourself? Do you squirm without the distraction of someone else? Can you allow yourself to go deeper into yourself, to look yourself in the eye and be frank with yourself? Can you all yourself to still your mind? Or are you afraid of what you might discover there when the dust settles? Solitude is refreshing and healing, but it often takes time for it to be so. It takes patience. Can we be patient with ourselves?

{{This post is the 10th in a series discussing The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity.}}

The rest of our discussions of  The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity can be found here. 

Part 1(discussing Habit 1)

Part 2 (still discussing Habit 1)

Part 3 (still more on Habit 1)

Part 4 (Habit 2: key friendships)

Part 5 (Habit 2: your thoughts on friendship_

Part 6 (Habit 3: Value and Practice Faith)

Part 7(Habit 4: Say No to Competition)

Part 8 (Habit 4: Say No to Competition)

Part 9 (Habit 5: Create a Healthier Relationship with Money)

If You Can Dream It, You Can do It ~ Walt Disney

I'm kind of hanging on to this Walt Disney quote these days, rolling it around in my head, making a motto of it. Our family is planning a big trip south after New Year's and I'm in the early planning stages, thinking hard about the wide age span and the mixed genders and the vast resources for fabulous fun. I'm beginning to sketch out how we will use our time. We'll stay at a Disney hotel (it's an ESPN thing~my husband works for Mickey Mouse).  Right now, I'm very much enjoying Dawn's Disney blog, because I know Dawn and if anyone can approach Disney in an organized efficient manner, it's Dawn. I'm so grateful she went recently. I'm learning at the feet of a master.

I'm very much in the information-gathering stage. Have you been to Disney World? Traveled a long distance with nearly a nearly a dozen people? What are your best tips and tricks? Books? Resources? I'm all {mouse} ears:-).

Oh, and to give you full appreciation of what Disney is for little girls, you've got to watch this one all the way to the end. I smiled until I cried.

Slice of Life this Monday Morning

Outside My Window

I picked up Mike at the airport in the dark and snuggled with him as the sun rose. Outside my window, it dawned a beautiful day.

I am Listening to

Silence. Very active weekend has left our children sound asleep this Monday morning. I'm grateful that I don't have to hustle them off to school.

I am Wearing

Jeans, floral poplin shirt, cotton cardigan and these shoes. The autumn uniform.

I am so Grateful for

God's lessons. Sometimes it's hard to learn the things He intends us to learn, but I'm always grateful for the lessons.

I'm Pondering

  "Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair." -G.K. Chesterton 

I am Reading

Becoming More than a Good Bible Study Girl I want to tell you more about this book. Hopefully, I can do a proper book post soon.

I am Thinking

about how sad it is that the body of Christ is splintered. We have so much to offer one another and division only and always inflicts pain.

I am Creating

I'm told that a certain birthday girl wants a crown of her very own. Pink. Of course. She says she's going to be a "Birthday Princess" for Halloween and since that is, indeed, true, and she only gets to turn three on Halloween once in her lifetime, I suppose I'm going to bow to her ever-changing costume whims for as long as possible.

To live the liturgy:

The Holy Father's intention for this month: That the terminally ill may be supported by their faith in God and the love of their brothers and sisters. 

We have lived this well this month, up close and personal. And we continue to walk with the sorrowing.

Towards a Real Education

Katie and Karoline have a delightful new bedtime routine. Since Mary Beth is at dance until well past nine every night, I've been working on getting the three little girls settled all together, without Mary Beth's assistance. So, after the bath routine, Katie and Karoline choose ten picture books each. While I snuggle Sarah to sleep (and she might just nurse a little--don't judge), Katie reads to Karoline. If they're still awake once Sarah's asleep, I take over the reading. That's a whole bunch of reading!

Towards Rhythm and Beauty

{We hit a rhythm last week and I'm going to cling to it for all its worth. We are far more creative, productive, and happy once the rhythm has been worked out and life--however busy--is more predictable.}

I wrote that last Monday. Rachael's dad died Tuesday morning. Last week's rhythm was not "routine," but there still was rhythm. I think that's a sign of an underlying structure that's going to work over the long haul. At least, I hopes so.

I am Hoping and Praying

for Rachael, her father, and their family and friends. I was blessed to be present at the most amazing funeral ever last Friday. And we were sent forth with quite a mission for prayer. We also all left that church wanting to live for Christ and in Christ; I can't think of a greater tribute to Greg Davenport's life.

 I am learning

to make a little quilted playmat. When Sarah Annie was discharged from the NICU, we were invited to choose from a large collection of beautiful handmade blankets for her to bring home. I was so touched by the gesture that, as a family, we've resolved to donate a handmade blanket every year on Sarah's birthday. Nicky and I have a really good one going here, thanks to this tutorial.

Around the House

We've got some picking up to do before Bible Study this afternoon. Katie and Karoline got into the autumn decorating box and happily sprinkled seasonal cheer here and there. I am hoping to dip leaves this week. I think they might actually be dry enough at last.

From the Kitchen 

A big pot of chili today.

On my iPod:

Amy Grant older and newer. I've promised my kids Scotty McCreery, but I'm reserving it to use as a bribe motivation to clean.

One of My Favorite Things

new fabric and the promise of an old friend to help me make something of it.

On the Calendar for the Week

I'm just a little torn between insisting on a week of solid school days with no interruptions and the call of the beautiful days to go out and play. Skyline Drive, maybe? 

Worth a Thousand Words

 
 
{tickle party}

It's a little fuzzy but the memory still makes me giggle.

My heartfelt prayers for you all this week.

Five Minute Friday: Catch!

I know it's no longer Friday. Friday was given to hymns and scripture, prayers and flowers, the fellowship of the body of Christ and the comfort of the grieving. Now it's Saturday morning and I have but five minutes.

Perfect.

And so, on Saturday morning, as always happens after funerals, I find myself thinking about life and the big picture and the deep meanings for the time we have here. 

Lisa-Jo, writing on this week's Five Minute Friday prompt, "catch," says, "I write in this space because sometimes our stories are the best translation of the Bible we’ve got to offer someone else."

Hmmm. Why do I write in this space? Why do I do anything the way I do? There's a great question.

As a rule, Catholics are not encouraged to translate the Bible on their own for someone else;-). It just doesn't come to us as second nature to think in those terms.

Really, though, isn't that precisely the point?

Isn't life--each life individually--our own translation of the Bible? Aren't we supposed to speak His every word and let them become so tangled with our own words that no one knows where His words stop and ours begin?

Catch. Hold.

Breathe Him in and let Him exhale from every pore. Aren't we supposed to know Jesus so well that we know ourselves only in Him?

Paul writes, "For me, to live is Christ and death is gain." To. live. is. Christ. Four words. Nothing extra. The whole point of living right there. 

What is my translation of the Bible as it is lived out in my own home and at the ballet studio and on the soccer sidelines and here in my small corner of cyberspace? Is it Christ? Is that obvious? Can you catch it? Does the way I live toss Christ high into the air in a million sparkling pieces of grace so that they fall about me everywhere and on everyone to be caught, even sometimes unawares?

That is the prayer of my life. 

[Disclaimer after the five minutes are up: When I went back and re-read this piece after the first few comments here and on Facebook, I worried that it sounds like I'm fishing for compliments and affirmations. I'm not. My point was to share with you what's inside my head, the things I'm thinking and asking myself. Usually, I let things rumble around in my head, then I put them in draft and think some more, then I tinker. I genuinely did this in five minutes and I guess there's a bit of danger in that;-) I beg your pardon if it sounds other than I intended. Have a beautiful weekend, friends! I'm off to --ahem--encourage a brood of children to pull more than their weight in weeds.]

Who Knew?

I noticed a few days ago that Christian's hair is looking especially good. His curls are nicely tamed, but not crunchy and not spiky. I didn't ask about it because he tends to grow bright red when complimented. Today, he asked, quite nonchalantly, if we had any more homemade healing salve stashed away somewhere. 

"Oh, I'm sure we do," I replied brightly. "I made lots of it. Why? What hurts.?"

"Nothing; " came the quick reply "it makes awesome hair gel."

I thought about that a moment. Olive oil and a touch of beeswax. Nourishing herbs. Certainly good for his hair. Why not?

It's about time to make some more, so I dug up this post to remind myself of what to do. I figured it's been awhile, so I'll re-run it for you, too. Maybe you need some hair gel?

 Today is the day to assemble gift bags for the dance teachers. In each bag, Mary Beth will place a bar of saintly soap, a sachet of garden lavender buds, and a tin of homemade healing salve. It's a bag in keeping with the handmade pledge. The soaps are not handmade in our home, but they are handmade. I think the teachers will be very happy at this improvement over last year's soaps, which were made in our home:-). Trish's soaps are truly amazing and I think it still counts as homemade. I can only imagine how wonderful her Canadian home must smell. [Alas, this link is not live right now. Trish is taking a break. But maybe in time for Christmas?]
The salve is becoming legendary. Recipients of last year are begging for more. I'm told it heals anything from diaper rash to windburn to hemmorhoids. I'm also told that some northern ladies were coveting some southern ladies' healing salve and I've been encouraged to skip sending teas this year and just send large vats of salve. Alrighty then!
We have a small crockpot that came with my large slow cooker. I think it's intended purpose was to keep dips warm.We've never used it for that. Truthfully, we'd never used it at all until last year when we discovered it to be perfect for making salve.
I put a handful each of dried plaintain, comfrey, calendula, and St. John's Wort in the crock and then fill it all the way with olive oil. I leave the herbs to simmer all day.
    At the end of the day, I drain the oil through cheesecloth, squeezing as much of it as possible out of the herbs. I toss the herbs into the garden. Then, I measure the oil and put it back into the crockpot. When it is warmed, I add one ounce of pure beeswax for every 8 ounces of oil. This seems to give it the right consistency when it cools. While it is still warm, I add a few drops of lavender essential oil, a few drops of tea tree oil, and I squeeze out the contents of two or three Vitamin E capsules. Don't skip the Vitamin E--that's the preservative. Stir it all until the beeswax is melted and it's all blended. Pour into containers of choice. Mountain Rose Herbs sells the dried herbs and a variety of containers. I think these little herbals sets would make nice hostess gifts, too. 

Or, perhaps this year, they are the teenage gift of choice. Everyone needs hair gel.