Velveteen Me

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For a long time, he lived in thetoy cupboard or on the nursery floor, and no one thought very much about him. He was naturally shy, and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him. The mechanical toys were very superior, and looked down upon everyone else; they were full of modern ideas and pretended they were real. ~The Velveteen Rabbit

First in a series.

In early spring, I wrote about my struggle with depression. It was an easy post to write and a not-so-easy post to publish. I wasn't at all sure that it was a good idea to put it all "out there." But I hold myself to a very strict honesty policy on these pages. I try not to sugar-coat things or to only put forward the polished, pretty, happy times. So I wrote it and then I pushed "publish."

I received a flood of mail. Mail I have not yet finished answering-- dear letters from dear women who ministered and shared in a genuine outpouring of kindness.I tried very hard to employ all the old tricks and to nurture myself past this bump. In early May, the books were published. I looked on that long-awaited event not with gleeful, joyful anticipation, but with foreboding and trepidation. I was already so raw that I knew I had little reserve.

And then, frankly, I hit a wall. I reached a point of spiritual, physical, and emotional exhaustion that dictated a drastic change of lifestyle. Somehow, over the last decade, I had lost the real me. The ways I was spending my time didn't authentically reflect what I thought was important. The voices I was listening to and the things I was thinking about weren't voices I genuinely valued. Everything was off-kilter--from what I ate to what I read.

I recognized that in the last few years of over-forty childbearing and mostly sedentary living, I have grow rather plump. We go to Mass on Sundays in a school gym two blocks from my house. During Lent, I noticed that I got winded just walking there. I sit in the bleachers. When we kneel, there is no pew in front of me to hold and the bleachers are unrelenting. Sadly, I don't have the core muscles to kneel upright without occasionally resting back on my heels, something that is impossible when kneeling on a bleacher seat. I find that rather horrible. I recognized that I was not eating as I should, was not sleeping as I should, and was not praying as I should. I was not spending enough time out of doors, was not spending enough time  just relaxing in the presence of my children, was not spending enough time with my husband. I had developed some very bad habits.

It was time to lay down some new rails.

The first thing I did was to get up earlier. I got up early enough to put 16-20 miles on a stationary bike every day. That's 45 minutes (or more) of hills, 6 days a week, for the last eight weeks, my friends. I didn't start small. I went all-in. I wish I could tell you--some eight weeks later--that this discipline and sweat has resulted in an astonishing weight loss worthy of the cover of a woman's magazine. I wish I could tell you that the fat just melted away.  It has not. Just a pound a week (give or take five pounds, depending on the day). Nothing spectacular. The reality is that I am a 44-year-old mother of nine who has had two babies in my forties. I am still nursing. I might never weigh what I did in my twenties. But I intend to be as healthy as I possibly can. I love these kids. I want to be here for them in every sense of the world. I want to be a genuine blessing to them in the next phase of our lives. A plump, lethargic, slow-moving blob will not do.

I also gave myself enough time to pray the Office of Readings and Morning Prayer first thing every morning. Words cannot convey the healing effect of this practice and I won't even attempt it. The Divine Office and exercise and then-- because I was too sweaty to do anything else-- I was straight into the shower. This had the effect of creating a clean, dressed, contacts-in Mom, ready to face the day.

If I had accomplished all of this and still the house was still quiet, as it most often was, I lit a candle by the icons in the living room and sat with a cup of tea and my Bible. Maybe it was just minute or two or maybe it was many, many more. Whatever I received in that gift of time was spiritual treasure. Morning by morning, candle lit in my living room, the Holy Spirit has been very good to me.

I need time alone. In the early morning, when my eyes were literally begging to stay closed and fighting mightily against my best efforts to open them, I was compelled from downy covers and the enticing companionship of both husband and cherub by the very thought that if I got up I could have hours--maybe two or three--in my home with no one else. I so need that time alone. This indulgence in time alone has required a ridiculously early waking hour and so fatigue still lurks, but I'm working on that angle.

Time alone in prayer became genuinely quiet time. Now, I pray the Hours, but then I just sit and listen. I try to empty myself of anything and everything and just let God pour his mercy into me.

Morning time had previously been blogging time and I thought that was "me" time. Time to write and to read on the internet. In reality, it was quiet, but it was incredibly noisy. Introverts need time of genuine quiet. Heck, I think we all need time of genuine quiet. I sacrificed my internet time, my time to hear everyone else's ideas and to contribute to the conversation, for time of genuine quiet. It was an experiment of sorts. If I would just shut up and be still, would God reveal to me the real me?

The whole series:

Velveteen Me

Velveteen Me~To Desire Him More

Velveteen Me~My Heart in My Home

Velveteen Me~The Years the Locusts Ate

Velveteen Me~New Beginning

We've got a candle lit

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for  this little guy today. I can't imagine what it would be like to suddenly hear on the side where all one's life there has been no hearing. Today, I sit in awe and utter amazement at what can be done. When I was his age, they tried to just construct an outer ear for me--just a cosmetic fix. That didn't work. I don't think anyone thought there'd be a day when hearing could happen! God bless Simeon, his brave parents, and the doctors who will make this happen. Bilateral hearing; I can't even imagine it...

Daybook: First of July

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Outside My Window

It’s hot, humid, and horribly sticky.

 

I am Listening to

The sound of vuvuzelas. It’s all soccer, all the time, around here lately. When there isn’t a match being played and it sounds quiet, there’s an app for that;-) and Nicky appears to have downloaded it to every iPod in the house.

 

 

I am so Grateful for

I’ve always meant to join Ann’s gratitude community but never got organized to do the posts on time. Ann told me that this Daybook is my gratitude journal. So, with that kind of encouragement, here’s my list for the last few weeks:

1)   Morning quiet 

2)   Mike had two days off in a row.

3)   Date night at a new Asian Fusion restaurant with amazing tuna sushi

4)   A clean house

5)   A clean heart

6)   A clean slate

7)   Gracie. Gracie is spending the summer with us. We’ve created a new blog category called “Summer of Grace.” It’s especially for Gracie’s mom, who is in Colorado, missing her something fierce. I don’t know how long Gracie will be here. Maybe just for the summer. Maybe for much longer. And so, I seek to cram everything I can into this summer—to make it the little-girl summer of our dreams-- because I know not if we’ll pass this way again. And even as I hurl myself headlong into living life to its fullest with this child, I brace myself because I know the sting of goodbye and it might be right around the corner. Come to think of it, this summer is a microcosm of every intentional life with children, isn’t it?

8)   A long, long talk with Bobby, where, among other things, he shared with me some lessons on public criticism and perfectionism and friendship. He’s grown such much and I am ever grateful for him in our lives.


I'm Pondering

Blessedness does not lie in knowing something about God, but rather in possessing God within oneself. ~St. Gregory of Nyssa

 

I am Reading
Praying the Mass—this a must have for every Catholic household as we look to embrace the changes in the Roman Missal.

Rome and the Eastern churches—not an easy read, but a necessary one.

 

 

I am Thinking

That taking time away from the internet was a very, very good thing.

 

I am Creating

A  haven at home, one that welcomes big kids and little kids, both my own and the ones that come my way for a just a little while.

 

On my iPod

My Audio School. What a blessing! What a huge, huge blessing.

 

Towards a Real Education

‘reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmetic and a Family Bible Study. Simple. Worthwhile. Enduring. And yes, we are going to share the Bible Study. Look for it around the beginning of August.

 

Towards Rhythm and Beauty

Dear Sweet Lord, You have impressed upon me how important the rhythm of sleep is. Please teach me how to get it. The rhythm, I mean. And the sleep. Amen.

 

Here’s the deal: Michael trains until 10:45 and then drives home, arriving around 11:30. Paddy trains until 10 and Mike brings him home, around 10:30.Christian leaves for work at 6:45 some mornings and comes home as late as 9:30 some evenings. Nicky is up at 7. He and Stephen going running at 7:15. Sarah follows shortly thereafter (with the waking, not the running). I’ve taken to rising around 5, sometimes even a little earlier, in order to frontload my day with quiet, prayer, and exercise. There are an awful lot of us, each with his or her own rhythm. Makes it hard to sleep. Ever.

 

To Live the Liturgy

I have been reading and reading and reading about liturgy. But more than that, I have been praying liturgy. Really, the praying is more fruitful than all the reading about in the world.

 

I am Hoping and Praying

For Gracie’s mom.

In the Garden

We’ve picked our first Sungold tomatoes. It looks like our basil has dodged the dreaded blight, so far. The roses are rockin’! Oh my goodness! They are glorious! We have vases of roses all over the house, all the time.  We have a never-ending supply of fallen rose petals for our mudpie kitchen. And I never tire fresh roses.

Around the House

I’m puttering. The house has been clean since the internet break began (hmmm, is there a message there, perhaps?). So, I’ve been puttering and tinkering and thinking about big projects, but not so much doing them, because Mike has some huge projects going on at work. I need to hold off on creating chaos at home until they are well in hand. January, I’m looking at you!

 

From the Kitchen

 The summer menu is happening around here. And there’s an abundance of summer fruit. We haven’t done too much picking this season. Our van is not so road-worthy that it wants to carry us all out to the orchard and we don’t all fit in the other car. But Costco is well stockedJ

 

One of My Favorite Things

Thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms in the summer. I loved them when I managed swimming pools and it meant we got to shut it all down and hunker in the guard house playing…I love it now when it means certain respite from the heat and a cooling darkness in mid-afternoon. I love the sounds and the wind and the fact that my plants can always use the rain. Bring it on!

 

Sarah Annie this week

It’s been two months since my last daybook. My baby isn’t so baby any more. She walks and talks. She flirts. She plays “babies” with her sisters. She “helps” me cook dinner. She burrows herself ever more deeply into my heart.

 

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week

We’re planning a  4th of July bash on the 3rd of July. Our neighborhood fireworks are that night and they are very well seen from our backyard. Cookout, hangout, lookout.

 

My house has  a revolving door lately! Stephen and Paddy spent a week at soccer camp. The day after they came home, Mary Beth left for the beach with a friend. When she returns, Michael will go to the beach with a friend. When he comes back, Christian will leave for the beach with a friend. And then, I think Paddy goes again. There’s a whole lot of missing going on with these little ones.

 

Picture thoughts:

Michael's biggest fans critique his latest piece for USAToday

  
  DSC_0518

 
 

holy experience