{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.  A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, visit Soulemama to leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.(

Dear Kate,

Print this. Keep it somewhere close so you can read and re-read it. Remember you said this and you meant this. And be careful out there. Your clarity of vision and unobscured understanding of a genuine life of faith in Christ is a treasure beyond compare. Protect it. It is a gift to understand this so well, early in your mothering and homeschooling journey. If you believe this and you live this, you will save yourself countless hours of meaningless debate with people who aren't truly seeking understanding. You will save yourself from the pain and futility of litmus test "friendships" and you will afford your family many pleasant hours living God's vision for your family. If you live this, you will have time and peace for genuine education and prayer--both your girls' and your own. God bless you!

Daybook

Outside My Window

An absolutely perfectly gorgeous autumn Sunday: bright blue sky, just a few clouds, no humidity, and about 78 degrees. Perfect soccer weather.

I am Listening to

The “soundtrack” that Mary Beth has created for the ballet class she will teach her little sister…and 13 of their friends.

I am Wearing

A cream-colored lightweight, longsleeved t-shirt with a  ruched neckline, a purple boyfriend sweater (that I ended up tying around my waist about noon) and not my daughter’s jeans (which I got for a steal on Amazon--there was a coupon added at checkout).

I am so Grateful for

~ an unbelievably fun time in a friend’s van while it poured rain our sons’ soccer practice. Eleven kids total in the van. They all voted on a movie choice and we watched Pride and Prejudice. It was even more darling to note that both my children and hers had many of those lines memorized. Those homeschooled kids just don’t get socialized well, do they?

~sweet, subtle changes for the better in a child who had me worried. And for the friends who are influencing those changes.

I'm Pondering

The soul which remains attached to anything, even to the least thing, however many its virtues may be, will never arrive at the liberty of the divine union. It matters little whether a bird be fastened by a stout or slender cord -- as long as he does not break it, slender as it may be, it will prevent him from flying freely. -- St. John Chrysostom

I am Reading
Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. Quite a book. Quite a testimony. I’ve long been a huge Steven Curtis Chapman fan. I was hesitant to read this book, because I knew that the story of how the Chapmans  5-year-old daughter Maria died  would be gut-wrenching.  I read that part first so that I wouldn’t be dreading it throughout the first half of the book. Mary Beth writes a compelling story of lifelong  surrender to the will of God.

I’m particularly grateful for her honest accounting of the trials of depression.

.

I am Thinking

That God has heard me plea for kindred spirits to befriend my children and me. And, despite the overwhelming busyness of our fall schedule—actually because of it-- there are moments of grace-filled friendship abundantly sprinkled throughout the week.

I am Creating

Lists. Before we leave town. I always make lots of lists when I pack. We’re taking a three day trip. Seems like those kinds of lists should be committed to memory by now, but that’s not the point. The point is that the list lets me maintain the illusion of having control.

On my iPod

A History of US, Volume 3. Our listening on the way to Williamsburg this week for homeschool days.

Towards a Real Education

We’re taking a little diversion from our Medieval Studies to skip across the pond and visit Colonial Williamsburg.

Towards Rhythm and Beauty

The schedule works. It works beautifully. There’s no time to kick back and do nothing and I can’t deviate from the plan even a little bit, but the schedule does work…

To Live the Liturgy

We’ll celebrate the feast of Padre Pio this week..

I am Hoping and Praying

~for Mike, who is badly in need of a vacation. Or maybe just a few hours off.

In the Garden

The roses rock. Really.

Around the House

The house is quite pulled together now.  We shall have to see whether the new maintenance schedule keeps it that way. In other, much more interesting news, it is definitely time to paint the walls. I chose our current colors on the way home from the midwife’s office five and a half years ago, after learning  we’d suffered a miscarriage. The painters had been scheduled and I didn’t want to cancel, so I just went to Home Depot, totally numb and not at all there, and picked out colors. I remember asking the guy to darken it three times before I left the store.

It’s time for lighter and brighter

From the Kitchen

Gluten free pumpkin muffins from this new cookbook. Jodi wrote and told me about it a couple of weeks ago and I took a chance. The muffins are the first things we’ve made using her gluten-free baking blend. They are so good. No weird bean taste; no starchy falling apart consistency. Just pumpkinny yumminess.  I’m looking forward to trying other things.

One of My Favorite Things

My icon wall.

Sarah Annie this week

She loves our new “after school” routine. It’s a playground for several hours every day of the week. I’m really happy to have playground time, too.

A Few Plans for the Rest of the Week

We have a new friend visiting . She came to see Michael, but Karoline is pretty sure she came to see her. We’ve loved having her. She’ll be here tomorrow when Mary Beth transforms the main floor of our house into a dance studio and Mary Beth and her friend Mary Kate introduce a whole bunch of homeschooled little girls to the wonderful world of ballet.

Then we’re going to get away for a few days. Mike has been working 18 hour days getting ESPN’s Washington shows ready to launch in HD from their new studios at ABC. We’re ducking out and leaving him to yet another week of that. We’ll go to Homeschool Days in Colonial Williamsburg and stay at Great Wolf Lodge. We’ve never been there, so we’re all eagerly anticipating our time.

And, next  weekend, we  will return with Sarah Anne to the NICU for a reunion. It just makes me smile so to think about taking my relatively big smiling girl back to the people who cared for her so well in those early days. I can’t wait!

Picture thoughts:

 

{this moment}

 

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.  A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, visit Soulemama to leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.(Okay, so I have two moments...same evening with the Mitchells, though)

Full Heart and Open Hands

 

Elaine Cook wrote to me last week several weeks ago. I asked if I could share our correspondence with you. She has graciously agreed. She wrote, quoting me:

"There is no wound so painful, no hurt so raw as a mother's heart just after she sends her firstborn to college."

I know that's true because I'm experiencing it now. Anything more you can offer to help us overcome this challenge in faith, please do. I (and some of my friends) are struggling with our perceived failures as mothers, with concern that we haven't prepared our children enough or well enough and with sadness that this phase of our mothering is over.

Tell us how you have overcome those feelings (if you had them), please. I want to be happy for my son and encouraging, but I will miss him so much. I am happy I still have my daughter at home, but those little kid years are over and I'm not ready for them to end.

Yet another reason to have a big family?

Honestly, I think this is one of those "If I knew what I was doing, I'd being doing it right now" moments. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm holding on by the grace of God and learning as I go. Let's look at each of her thoughts.

First, is this a challenge in faith? Yep, I think it can be. I think that intentional, faithful mothers can get to this stage and be astonished that a loving Father would allow it to hurt so much. It's as if the more you loved and the more you cared, the more you get hurt. There are mothers doing a happy dance when their kids get on the bus to kindergarten and there are mothers who can't wait to shove their teens out the door and redecorate their bedrooms as exercise rooms. I don't really understand them. And there have been moments when I've envied them. At least they don't hurt. If we get stuck there, it's a crisis in faith.

If we see how much it hurt the Blessed Mother to lose Jesus and then to find Him in the temple, we can see that God is in this whole thing. He wonders at her dismay. Didn't she know that He was going to leave her, to talk among the learned, to go out into the world. Of course she did. And still, it hurt.

Now, what about the failures and the worries that we didn't do enough, care enough, listen enough, train enough...anything and everything enough? Some of those are legitimate, I think. None of us will look back without regret. None of us can say we did everything just perfectly. I think we can express those regrets--to ourselves, to our spouses, maybe to our children, and definitely to God. We can bring it to the throne of mercy and leave it there. Those of us with younger children can gratefully embrace the opportunity to do it better the next time. We pray we won't make those mistakes again. (Chances are, we'll find new ones to make:-).

If we get stuck in the regret, we will be tormented by both anxiety and depression. I know. I was in that particular stuck place. It wasn't pretty and it didn't do me or my family any good. We can't have a do-over. All we have is a do-now.And now, we have the circumstances at hand. What lessons He is teaching me in my year of Now! How could I have ever imagined how necessary Now would be when this year began? We spend a moment (okay a day, a week, or two) crying over the loss, but then we have to embrace the season we are in, lest we begin to sow new seeds which will grow into weeds of regret. We have the now. We have to live it as the gift it is.

I do look differently at the children who remain at home. I know where this season of mothering goes, where it ends. I know it's going to hurt like heck. And still, by the grace of God, I throw my self into loving them with reckless abandon. If anything, I am more mindful of investing every moment of intentional love into these relationships. This is the life for which I was created. The life of love.

Elaine wrote to me three weeks ago, as Patrick was leaving. I had just read an offhand remark a friend made on Facebook about how it was easier to let her second child go. That was not the experience I was living. Perhaps it was Paddy's age. Perhaps it was the distance. Perhaps it was the schedule and the controls which make daily contact brief and fleeting. Or maybe it was because I'd been through it before and I knew how irrevocably a relationship with a child changes when they leave home and I don't much like the change [yet? It's still a work in progress, no?]. Whatever the case, the second time was more difficult. And I looked at Elaine's question and wondered how I could hurt like this seven more times. 

It's been three weeks. And right now, all I am allowing myself to see is the Now. And in the now, I still have children to cuddle, favorite books to revisit and late night teenage talks. I'm not ready for my days with wee ones to end yet, either, and by the grace of God, they don't have to. Now. It's a full, rich life in a well populated nest. I can't borrow pain from the future. I know better. And in the now, there are two boys making their ways in the world. They bring new light and dimension to our family's tapestry. They weave their stories uniquely into this year's length of fabric. To wish it any other way is to wish away those experiences. And they are good, just as they are different.

I am assured by a small handful of mothers who travel before me on this journey that the next season of life is a great and glorious one. I choose to believe them. I want to believe them. Some mothers don't understand your pain, Elaine. They did a little jig when the nest was empty. Some people don't understand how anyone could even contemplate having more than two children. Those people aren't me. And in my trying to understand this experience, I wonder sometimes at how little is said or written about it. And then, I don't wonder at all. For all its universality, it is a very unique and personal experience, one that is different for the same mother even, with each child.

And that brings me to my final thought. Like no other experience in my life (even cancer), the experience of letting my children go has been one of profound prayer. Of course, I am praying for them. But I am also very aware that no one in the world knows exactly how I feel. It's just me and God. I try to steep my soul in the psalms, to pray the Hours with full faith and confidence in the prayers of the ages, to beg His mercy with every breath. And to think that this is all part of what was meant when the Word spoke that women would be saved in childbearing. We birth them; we nurture them; and we bear them into the world to go in peace to love and serve the Lord.