I mentioned yesterday that I am reading Safe People: How to find relationshipsthat are good for you and avoid those that aren’t. Several people wrote to ask about it. Perhaps the best way to summarize is to offer the list of traits of unsafe people. The authors help the reader to see any of these traits in herself, as well as delineating how to relate to other people who have these traits.
Here's a list of red flags (of course, no one has them all and we all have at least a little of some).This list serves as good check on the character of your friends or a mirror with which to see your own relationship flaws:
1. They think they have it all together instead of admitting their weaknesses.
2. They are religious instead of spiritual.
3. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback.
4. They are self-righteous instead of humble.
5. They only apologize instead of changing their behavior.
6. They avoid working on their problems and growing in virtue.
7. They demand trust instead of earning it.
8. They believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
9. Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility.
10.Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth.
11. They are stagnant instead of growing.
12. Unsafe people avoid closeness instead of connecting.
13. Unsafe people are only concerned about "I" instead of "we."
14. They resist freedom instead of encouraging it.
15. They flatter us instead of confronting us.
16. Unsafe people condemn instead of forgiving us--they confront not to correct and forgive but to condemn and punish.
17. Unsafe people don't relate to us as equals.
18. They are unstable over time instead of being consistent.
19. They are a negative influence on us, rather than a positive one.
20. Unsafe people gossip instead of keeping confidences.
One of those rare, life-changing books that you pass on to the people you love.